The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

If Rachel has eaten some of one of the bars and there is just one quarter of it remaining.........
 
Nod said:
Surely there's more than a quarter remaining so the request should be for a quarter of the remainder rather than the remaining quarter.
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You say "remaining" and I say "remainder" - let's call the whole thing off! ;)
 
If he found the body that lmplies he had lost it ..even more awkward !?
 
In looking for something else entirely, I found a saved text file dated 11/07/07 which seemed slightly amusing' Text follows:-


After every flight, Quantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Quantas maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

--------------------
 
I have seen this one somewhere before and it still makes me smile when I read it.....so TFS :)
 
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Nod said:
One of the best scenes ever shown on TV IMO.


As for Titanic, when Lenny the Goat finally sank, a cheer went up in the local cinema!
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Apparently there was something amiss with the first take, the director wanted to do it again.
The cast said "no, sorry, too emotional. They wouldn't do it again.
 
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Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
 
Cordy said:
Welcome to the UK Closing Down Sale!
Everything must go!
Fishing
Farming
Pensioners
National Security
Free Speech
Chagos Islands
Border checks
And the rights of indigenous population!
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I don't see this as a joke, as it is without doubt a statement of fact.
 
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