The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Nod said:
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Reminds me of when I was in the WRAF and we were on a night shift, on a break, watching a film on the TV. There was a Western on and one of the scenes showed a rolling plain on which a train of covered wagons was making its way through the rocky terrain. Someone watching said, without any sense of what was wrong, "I'll bet there's a motorway there now." How we laughed. We had to explain it to her in the end.
 
Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
His 80-year-old buddy was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me!!.
 
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True fact.

The Danish equivalent to British Gas is DONG.

Dansk Olie og NaturGas.
 
In the 1980s I had a contract at an American bank's London Office.

Assigned a desk next to one of the system operators, I was just a little alarmed to see the prominent sign on his partition wall. It read "Welcome to the home of the Big Wang"... :exit:
 
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Many years ago, I used to send stuff to the Idle Working Men's Club...
 
Read this on FB this morning, dunno if it's been posted before but it made me smile.

The Madam opened the brothel door in Belfast and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties:

“May I help you sir?” She asked.

The man replied. “I want to see Rosie.”

“Sir, Rosie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” Said the madam.

He replied. “No, I must see Rosie.”

Just then, Rosie appeared and announced to the man she charged £10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand pounds and gave it to Rosie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Rosie. Rosie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still £10,000.”

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Rosie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Rosie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Rosie said to the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The man replied. “Falls Road .”

“Really.” She said. “I have family on the Falls Road.”

“I know.” The man said. “Your sister died and I am her Solicitor. She asked me to give you your £30,000 inheritance.”

The moral of this story is, that three things in life are certain:

1. Death.

2. Taxes.

3. Being screwed by a lawyer...
 
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