The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

That explains the slight green tinge to the longpig!
 
Jelster said:
In Witrose car park yesterday a car had managed to park across 4 (yes 4) parking spaces. And believe it or not, it was a Kia Sportage.......
Click to expand...
I see quite a number of them being driven on the school runs around here and seeing that sort of parking doesn't surprise me.
 
The school runners don't bother parking here - since the council put double yellow lines where they used to drop off, they simply abandon the car in the middle of the road while they get the little f****rs out...
 
A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
“And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
 
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A couple were on their honeymoon:

Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" Says the wife.

The husband says. "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

The husband says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks. "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."
 
Usually a Par 3 - with a high chance of an Eagle!!!
 
OK, that's the coffee drunk, thoughts positive, freak out option disabled. Stuff the rest!!!
 
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