The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Donald Trump wants to be a king but he has no kingdom.
So he wants to be an emperor but has no empire.
He'll have to settle for being a dictator of a country because he qualifies...
 
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No good for me - I DON'T share starters or desserts!!! (Or main courses.)
 
Calling someone a cheap whore is simply not acceptable. I have left this in so people can see the levels to which some people will go. Witty political jokes are acceptable, ad hominem attacks are not acceptable and really say much more about you than anything else.
Keir Starmer decided he'd start walking to Parliament every day. At the same street corner he would pass a hooker.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Angela Rayner decided to accompany her boss. As the couple neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, out of the blue the hooker yelled "See what you get for five pounds, you cheap b*stard!"
 
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New Golf Rules for Seniors: The Veterans Golf Association has negotiated with The Royal and Ancient in St Andrews, to modify the Rules of Golf for Seniors.
Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3(g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7(h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9(k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15(z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.
 
Trump has been using similar rules for years.
 
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Nobody could do a better job in the White House than the current resident so why not replace him with a nobody?
 
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