The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Norkie said:
My ability to remember song lyrics from the seventies far exceeds my ability to remember why I came into the kitchen....
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Went to the doctor's surgery two weeks ago for an appointment with the diabetic nurse.... checked in on the online system only to be told that they couldn't find the appointment. Checked at the reception, they told me I had cancelled it!

The walk of shame.....
 
Does mean that dogging can be posted on X(XX?) before you get home though! Just remember to clone your local mayor's car's number plate before you set off...
 
Nod said:
Does mean that dogging can be posted on X(XX?) before you get home though! Just remember to clone your local mayor's car's number plate before you set off...
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My niece almost gave her mum a heart attack when she announced, at the top of her voice in a crowded shop, that she'd seen her teacher dogging in the park. Her mum had to explain that her teacher was walking her dog.
"Oh right... so what's dogging then?"
 
I'm under strict instruction to NOT use naughty terms to describe normal activities when talking to my MiL (who is in her '90s and will use terms she doesn't know how to use properly!)
 
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Managed it without trying until last Friday. CBA (actually, I'm too tight!) to pay for a headache these days!
 
Three weeks ago a consultant prescribed some additional pills for me to take for 6 weeks and I am not allowed alcohol during the 6 weeks. I am not sure what his intentions are after the 6 weeks but I really do not wish to continue with these pills. Apart from the Alcohol ban, there are lots of side effects but no positive effects. I do not feel any better for no Alcohol for almost 4 weeks now.

Dave
 
1st Girl: What does IDK stand for?
2nd Girl: I don’t know
1st Girl: Why doesn’t anyone know!
 
G.K.Jnr. said:
1st Girl: What does IDK stand for?
2nd Girl: I don’t know
1st Girl: Why doesn’t anyone know!
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A few years ago, I asked a Greek friend what "Δεν ξέρω." meant (then xero). Her reply (in an ignorant tone) was "I don't know", delivered with a shrug. She was telling the truth!
 
Norovirus - like a pain au chocolat being smashed with a mallet.

Luckily, not from personal experience!!!
 
Etch a Sketch Technical Support
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
 
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