The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
 
It's the second instalment that we're waiting for!!! :P
 
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A big game Hunter went on a Safari with his Wife and Mother-in-Law.

One morning while still deep in the Jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her Mother gone.

She woke her husband and they both set off in search of the elderly woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight ... the mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a Lion.

”What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked.

”Nothing,’ her Husband replied, “The Lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it!"
 
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I read this snippet in the Times and, despite the dark context, had to smile. To put it into context, the siege of Drogheda,Ireland, by Cromwell and his army in 1649 is now considered to be a war crime.Around 2,000 died in the massacre, including a number who surrendered before the onslaught, as well as 150 Parliamentarians (Cromwell's army).

The British historian, Lady Antonia Fraser, went to Drogheda with her first husband,Hugh Fraser in the 1970's and asked a priest, who was with a couple of nuns and about to get into his car,if he could direct her to Cromwell's Mount. It was from this mount that Cromwell shelled the town. Her husband hisssed at her..."Idiot" .The horrified priest bundled the nuns into the car and was about to drive off when her husband asked saying, "My wife,the daughter of the pious Lord Longford is writing a study of the hideous assassin Oliver Cromwell and wondered where Cromwell's Mount is." The priest was then happy to direct him.

Seems there is/was a sign in a Dublin pub with this written on it. "Everyone killed by drink goes to Hell while everyone killed by Cromwell went to Heaven"
 
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