The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
 
As told to me by a retired Met horse cop...

"Police horses are the only animal with a **** in the middle of their back."
 
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Two doctors are on a golf course at the tenth hole. One of them looks up in the trees and sees an owl asleep on a branch. One doctor says to the other, "I'll bet you $100 I can give that owl a vasectomy and that owl won't even wake up." The other doctor says, "You've got a bet." The first doctor climbs up the tree, does the operation, and comes down from the tree. The owl never wakes up. The second doctor, not to be outdone, says, "I bet you the same that I can give that owl a tonsillectomy and he won't wake up." The second doctor climbs up the tree, does his operation, and the owl never wakes up. An hour later, the owl wakes up, flies to another tree, sees another owl and tells him, "Whatever you do, don't fall asleep in that tree by the tenth hole, because when I woke up after a nap, I couldn't hoot worth a f**k or f**k worth a hoot!"
 
A young man walks up to his granny and asks her, "Granny, have you seen my pills? They're marked LSD." She replies, "Forget the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen!?"
 
A violinist went to sleep. His dream was like this: An angel appeared from the skies and told him:"I have two pieces of news to tell you. One is good news and the other one is bad news . With which one should I start?" And the violinist replied: "With the good one". The angel continues: "After you die you will go to heaven. And in heaven you will be sitting besides Paganini, in the heaven´s Orchestra.". The violinist, stunned with this amazing news, asked about the bad news, and the angel replied: "The bad news is that your first rehearsal starts tomorrow".
 
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Mrs. Smith is in hospital having a leg removed. After the operation, the surgeon comes her and says "Well, the operation went well but I have some good news and some bad news, Which would you like first?"
Mrs, Smith decides on the bad news first.
"I'm sorry to say," says the surgeon, "that due to an administrative mistake, we removed the wrong leg and the other one will still have to come off."
Mrs. Smith weeps for a while and then asks, "What's the good news?"
The surgeon replies happily, "Mrs. Brown in the next bed has offered to buy your slippers."
 
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Thanks to autocorrect on my calendar, I turned all my cocks black yesterday...
 
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