The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

.22 long... but watch out for your danglies!
 
A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He asks the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.
 
A wife saw her husband weigh himself on the scale trying to pull in the stomach. The wife thought he was trying to reduce his weight on the scale. So she said, "You know, I don't think that will help you." The husband replies, "Of course it helps. It is the only way I can see the number on the scale."
 
A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his one to 10 well. "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me, even more than 10!" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four." "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now, what comes after, let's say 10?" "A jack."
 
When I 'fall of my perch' my wife is going to take me to one of those fish spas where the little fish nibble away all the dead skin. It costs £35.00 but it is still a lot cheaper than a funeral.
 
Ah! The verruca bar!
 
This is true.

A guy in the street was doing a video for YouTube and he spoke to a pair of girls. To the first one, he said, "Give me a number between 1 and 1 million." She replied, "Five."
The man said, "Ok, here's five dollars," and promptly handed five dollars to the girl.
He then said to the second girl, "Give me a number between 1 and 1 million."
And I kid you not, she said, "Six."
 
For those struggling with imperial and metric conversions, here are some handy references.

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

52 = 1 decacards

½ lavatory = 1 demijohn

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

10 rations = 1 decoration

10 millipede = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

10 monologues = 5 dialogues

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms
 
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A qualification for his next job?

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