The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Got the T-shirt!
 
@Nod @JohnStewart - I resemble both of those!

Today we stacked away about 3 cubic meters of logs for the winter - I have so little grip these days it's scary. It also took about 15min of dodgy swinging before my arms got back to being able to weild an axe and split the logs that were too large.
 
An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.


Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.


A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood. After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.


The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"


To this the Arab replied: " Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."
 
The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*** herself."
 
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Gents, rather than move existing comments, can I ask you to consider posting jokes with sexual, misogynous/misandrous or sweary content to the NSFW jokes thread in hot topics? We recognise that most users here are grown-ups, but would prefer this kind of content kept where it can't be crawled or scraped and associated with TP.

Naturally humour is going to be risque sometimes, but if you find yourself wondering if a joke should be here or over there, probably best to post it there.

Thanks.
 
A serial killer walks his victim into the woods, it is pitch dark and animals can be heard in the undergrowth.
"I'm scared." says the victim.
"You're scared?" replies the serial killer, "I have to walk out of here on my own!"
 
Bill (reading the newspaper): It says in this here newspaper that medicine is so advanced now that if a finger is cut off doctors can reconnect it and it will be just like new!
Bob (his brother): That’s funny, I heard that if your finger gets cut off, the insurance company will pay you $1,000!
Bill: Hey, I got an idea…
So they cut of Bob’s finger, put it in a plastic bag, rush to the hospital, and sure enough, the surgeon sews it back on and later they collect $1,000 from the insurance.
A month later…
Bill (reading the newspaper): It says in this here newspaper that medicine is so advanced now that if your arm is cut off doctors can reconnect it and it will be just like new!
Bob (his brother): That’s funny, I heard that if your arm gets cut off, the insurance company will pay you $10,000!
Bill: Hey, I got an idea…
So they cut of Bob’s arm, put it in a plastic bag, rush to the hospital, and sure enough, the surgeons sew it back on and later they collect $10,000 from the insurance.
A month later…
Bill (reading the newspaper): It says in this here newspaper that medicine is so advanced now that if your HEAD is cut off doctors can reconnect it and it will be just like new!
Bob (his brother): That’s funny, I heard that if your head gets cut off, the insurance company will pay you $1,000,000!
Bill: Hey, I got an idea…
So they cut of Bob’s head, put it in a plastic bag, rush to the hospital, and … after a long delay, the head surgeon comes out and tell Bill that he’s sorry, but Bob is dead.
Bill: What!? Why?! Two months ago you connected his finger back and it was like new, a month ago you connected his arm and it was fine - what went wrong?!
Doctor: When you put his head in a plastic bag, he suffocated.
 
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
 
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Mistaken posting, wrong thread.
 
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A very good magician has hypnotised an entire audience. He has them under his complete control and they are willing do whatever he tells them to do. Unfortunately, at the vital moment, he trips over the microphone cord, lands on his ass and says, "S**t!"
 
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