The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Removed for language, there is a NSFW jokes thread
 
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Don't eat glitter - the results are pretty cr@p...
 
Into a Bantry pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner?' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
‘That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
 
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Illegal immigrants are no longer landing there boats at Dover .











There now sailing straight up to Birmingham
 
Johnny was in 6th Grade , and his parents felt since he was advanced they wanted him moved up a grade . so the teacher took little Johnny to the principals office to discuss the situation .
the teacher said to the principal watch I’m gonna ask him some questions , so the teacher said Johnny what’s 12×12 ? Little Johnny replied 144 . then the teacher asked Johnny what does a dog do that a man steps into?
Johnny replied pants . Her next question Was what goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet ? and Johnny said bubblegum!!
then the teacher asked Johnny what do men have in their pants that women don’t? and Johnny replied pockets.
Lastly the teacher asked Johnny what starts with the letter F and ends in a K and leads to red hot excitement and Johnny said fire truck the principal said HELL!! pass him up 2 grades even I got them all wrong.
 
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The Labour Party has a new theme tune … please release me .. or is that the new sausage party
 
the black fox said:
The Labour Party has a new theme tune … please release me .. or is that the new sausage party
Click to expand...

It is actually easily explained. Hostages are imprisoned, prisons have walls and Walls made sausages. Simples!
 
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
 
A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A young girl assistant runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
 
A doctor in Duluth Minnesota wanted to get Off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of Three patients.

'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, mate, and the second one?' Asks the doctor..

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:

HELP ME - I haven't Seen a man in over two years!!'

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, What did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!!
 
Made in the '60s - original and unrestored. A few parts still in working order.
 
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