The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.



Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of god,"Where have you been?" God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God. Archangel Michael
looked puzzled and said,

"What is it?" "Its a planet," replied God, " and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?" "Ah," said God.

"That's Yorkshire, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven great cities, and many impressive towns, it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from Yorkshire are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God _replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wan****s I'm putting next to them in Lancashire."
 
TheBigYin said:
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.



Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of god,"Where have you been?" God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God. Archangel Michael
looked puzzled and said,

"What is it?" "Its a planet," replied God, " and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?" "Ah," said God.

"That's Yorkshire, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven great cities, and many impressive towns, it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from Yorkshire are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God _replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wan****s I'm putting next to them in Lancashire."
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You've got it the wrong way around.
 
Peter123 said:
You've got it the wrong way around.
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I don't think so. We don't eat the bits of animals that nobody else wants; cow's heels, pig's trotters and tripe for example. And we don't continually go to the foot of our stairs.

'appen. :)
 
Clive K said:
I don't think so. We don't eat the bits of animals that nobody else wants; cow's heels, pig's trotters and tripe for example. And we don't continually go to the foot of our stairs.

'appen. :)
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Whats wrong with pigs trotters or tripe? :D
 
Sky said:
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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You don't really want me to answer that?
 
  • Haha
Reactions: Sky
A linguistics professor says during his lecture, 'In English, a double negative forms a positive, but in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.'

Then a voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
 
Just been told that sex at 61 shouldn't be a problem. I was a bit surprised since we live at 57. Does mean that I don't need to cross the road though!



ETA...

I'll stick to sex at 57 - the couple at 61 both have moustaches!
 
Rachel reeves was going past a Aldi the other day in her chauffeur driven Bentley , when she saw a little old lady pensioner struggling with two bags of shopping ,she immediately thought how can I help her .
So she cut her pension in half so she can only afford one bag
 
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A friend of mine ordered a pair of these for me for my birthday. I shall be looking for fresh laid concrete... :D

 
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
 
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They weren't really trying that hard to swim in it, were they? Just going through the motions...
 
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