The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Lonley Hearts ads, real meaning of descriptions

Women seeking men

Adventurous - slept with everyone
Athletic = flat chest
Thirty Something more like over 40
Fun = Annoying
Wild = when drunk
Lovely Eyes = shame about the face
Seeks Knight in Shining Armour = Ex hubby`s a fruit loop
Enjoys Pubs/Clubs = Alchoholic
Curvy = Chubby
Cuddly = Fat
Voluptuous - as above, wearing clothes two sizes too small
Feiry - psychotic
Bubbly - loud and annoying

Men seeking women

Good looking - Liar
Very Good looking - Narcissist
I'm told I'm good looking - by my mother
Works out - Lifts beer can to mouth. Repeat
Employed - Desperate
Generous - He'll go dutch
Own teeth - Crowned. Wait til they drop off.....
Own hair - Bits at the side
Non smoker- member of the Green Party
Athletic - Wants to bed you
Understanding- Ditto
Car driver - Yours
Willing to travel - you don't want to see where I live
Discretion expected - don't want the wife to find out
Six figure salary - includes the pence
Normal - like Norman Bates. Shouldn't normality be expected?
 
Looking after my nieces this Christmas, the youngest came up to me to tattle on her sister for swearing. Anyway, according to my sister-in-law the correct response to this is "It's not nice to tell tales, Victoria" and not "No one likes a f*****g grass, Vicky"
 
A topical one ....

I hurt my arm this morning and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"
I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said,
" ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!"
I grabbed the next doc walking past I said, "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?"

He says," no this is the Burns unit" !
 
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How Johnny, my six year old son got maimed for life.

Miss Green (teacher) 'What does a Chicken give us?'
Children 'Eggs'

Miss Green 'What does a pig give us?'
Children 'Bacon!'

Miss Green 'What does a fat cow give us?'

Johnny 'Homework'
 
A bloke goes into a bar and after a couple of pints he gets a bit bored so he announces “Hey y’all I am going to tell a blonde joke” at which point the barmaid says “Hey fella, I’m blonde and I have been serving you your beer . . . That girl over there is a blonde and she is a professional wrestler and that big girl over there she is blonde and she is the bouncer . . . Are you sure you want tell that joke?” . . . The bloke scrunches his face and thinks for a moment and then says – “Nah, it’s not worth the trouble – I can’t be bothered to explain it three times” lol !!!
 
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A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by
itself."
 
3 chaps went on a naturist holiday and on day 2, one of them spotted their lady boss walking along the beach towards them. Two of the blokes grabbed their towels and covered their gentlemen's areas while the third covered his face. After she had passed, the 2 crotch coverers asked the other why he had basically flashed the boss. "Well, she recognises me from my face!" was his reply!
 
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Bob the Builder is being made into a film, set in the Caribbean, with Jennifer Lopez as director.
Apparently, Bob approached her and said "I have ten inches and can carry on all night"
Impressed, she takes him home but is disappointed the following morning
"I reckon it is only half the size, and you fell asleep after twenty minutes."
"Come on, love, " says Bob, "I'm a builder. That was an estimate"
 
For a gift this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1​

They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2​

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3​

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4​

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment, she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5​

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6​

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote, so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7​

Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a free root canal at the dentist's.
 
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Hubby: Honey, I want you to have this bracelet. Its a family heirloom; it was my Grandmother's.
Wifey: umm...why does it say 'do not resuscitate'?
 
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