The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Greta and Sam, two very old folks in a nursing home meet every day. They sit on a park bench and hold each other's genitals. They are too old to do anything about it but they reminisce about younger days when they were virile.

One day Sam doesn't show up. A week later, still no Sam, so Greta goes for a walk and sees him sitting with another woman holding each other's genitals. Greta is heartbroken.

Later she sees Sam in the hallway of the home and asks Sam, "What has she got that I don't have?"

Sam replies, "Parkinson's"
 
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oh dear KAREN is just a nice way of saying women :runaway: :runaway: :runaway:
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for about 5 long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."
 
An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"

"Hey, I'm telling everybody."
 
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:coat: for Chris!!!
 
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I've just got a job as security guard for Bucks Fizz's dressing room, after a series of thefts on their last tour.

Cheryl Baker seemed a bit unsure, but I promised I'd be minding her make up.
 
Cobra said:
Well it's self explanatory then :p


Works just as well with John Wick :)
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I've never seen John Wick, (nor for that matter any Chuck Norris film AFAIK), but I was able to decode the intent easily enough. I think ~99% of such memes use Chuck Norris, I've certainly seen many examples.
 
Petrochemist said:
I've never seen John Wick, (nor for that matter any Chuck Norris film AFAIK), but I was able to decode the intent easily enough. I think ~99% of such memes use Chuck Norris, I've certainly seen many examples.
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John Wick is the new Chuck Norris :D
 
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