The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

There was a much better example some years back when one of the Scandinavian rally drivers was told "You can't drive that to the next service area" by one of Mr Peel's finest. After a couple of minutes of the driver saying that he had just been driving on gravel at close to racing speed (on 3 wheels, IIRC!) so "I can drive it there", he put the poor plod out of his misery by saying (words to the effect of) "What you mean is I MAY not!" at which point the crowd that had gathered dissolved into laughter.
 
Henry, at 89, went in for his physical. A few days later his doctor called him, and they discussed the test results.

Two days later, the doctor saw Henry at a local nightclub, with a very young, very attractive woman at his side. The doctor waited until the young lady excuses herself, and went over to Henry's table.

'Henry? What the hell are you doing?'

'Just what you told me doc. I got a hot momma!'

'Henry, I said you had a heart murmur...'
 
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman sitting next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

Finally the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
 
In the old West, a Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a well-dressed, older man at a back table.

The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: “You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I’ll let you live. If you don’t, I’ll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. As it turned out, the older man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them.

The ranger said: “Tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the loot is, I’ll shoot him here and now.” Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, “He said, ‘You don’t have the nerve to shoot me, gringo.’”
 

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...​


The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full.
He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down,
his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
 
I blame spiel Czech and auto cowrecks.
 
Leather is rated based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have softer hides, rated "A" but hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are typically D-hide rated.
 
06c4ef9738cbfb07383d0d4184e804a21e4baa6e_2_639x750.jpeg
 
e0be2b39fc01ddc373ce7a42e1efba0c6e64976d_2_562x750.jpeg

ce721a043f1d74ece5ab01a6a85a5174caa0d8c1.jpeg
 
In the days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a drooling, hunchbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, foul-smelling, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor he was a fraud."
 
9350ee368f925d29fe8ab62c5a4dbfca1fa6ddc2.jpeg
 
I might resemble that picture...

I'm sure that g**f balls are attracted to water like iron to magnets.
 
FB_IMG_1704655024382.jpg
 
d861b02e763a6912c53ed4ff7d6bd711993e5d6b.jpeg
 
A young couple honeymooning in Las Vegas were down to their last two dollars. The groom told the bride that he had a feeling that he could turn the two bucks into a fortune if he went down to the casino alone. After all, the two bucks won't by anything anyway, so why not?

Once in the casino, he put one dollar each into two slot machines and won Jackpots on both totaling $10,000. He then played blackjack for an hour until he had $50,000 in chips. Next, he played poker and upped his winnings to $100,000.

He was about to cash in his chips when he got a hunch that his luck hadn't run out. So he took all his money and placed it on Black at the roulette table, hoping to double his money. But the ball came up Red. He returned to his hotel room.

"How did you do?" asked the bride.

The groom shrugged and said, "I lost two dollars."
 
Remember 89-year-old Henry? So he meets his old friend Arnie every Tuesday morning for coffee and a Danish. They are drinking their coffee when Arnie looks at Henry and says “Henry, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!”

“What?”

“It looks like you have a suppository in your ear!” says Arnie a bit louder.

“Oh, dang!” says Henry touching his ear, “You’re right, Arnie! Wait! That means ... my hearing aid... is....”
 
9a33abbd69848b976932e4eeda076d0657f6077c.jpeg
 
Pond a bit full?
 
So I have many friends of all cultures and I nor they have issues with this joke we made up . . . Please feel free to remove this post if this forum does have issues : Okay, In this age of save the planet and clean air, how can you tell when an Indian is fully charged . . . .The red spot on the forehead turns green and flashes !!!
 
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"
 
Farmer Joe and Bessie

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted,"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."

He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
 
Henry [remember 89-year-old Henry?] goes to see a new doctor. They run lab tests, and a full physical exam.

Henry asks the doctor 'So, do you think I will live to be 100?'
The doctor looks at Henry's chart. 'Hmmm...do you smoke tobacco?'
'No!'
'Drink alcohol?'
'No!'
'Do you eat steaks, or lobster regularly?'
'No!'
'Do you use drugs?'
'No!'
'Do you spend a lot of time outdoors in the sun? Like hiking, golfing, fishing, boating?'
'No!'
'Do you gamble at casinos, drive fast cars or carouse with younger women?'
'Not any more!'
'Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100?'
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top