ancient_mariner
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and help to keep the site free for all
The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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Brendan Mulachy
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Little known fact, the west coast of Scotland has a town named after a very famous Brazilian F1 driver.
D
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They got Jackie's first and second names wrong though.
hunnymonster
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I need a potato clock apparently....
I told my wife the plumber was calling round at 9 o'clock and she said "Well, you better get a potato clock"
I told my wife the plumber was calling round at 9 o'clock and she said "Well, you better get a potato clock"
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To treat the birds I bought some winter feed.
One week later Amazon asked for feed back.
Sorry it's all been eaten i replied.
One week later Amazon asked for feed back.
Sorry it's all been eaten i replied.
JohnStewart
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ancient_mariner
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I tried running a dating service for chickens, but I struggled to make hens meet.
Doctor's reports
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Patient was seen in consultation with Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, I agree.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1997.
Patient has waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Patient was seen in consultation with Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, I agree.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1997.
Patient has waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
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Bill was bragging to his boss one day, "I know just about everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I bet I know them."
"OK, Bill, how about Tom Cruise?", said his boss. "OK, lets fly out and see him.” says Bill. They go to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Bill! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Bill's boss is still sceptical, but after visiting George Clooney, Madonna, Joe Biden, with the same result Bill's boss thinks and the says,”How about the Pope, do you know the Pope?”
"Sure!" says Bill. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
When they get there the Pope is giving an address from the balcony. Bill says he'll have a word with the guards and will come out on the balcony next to the Pope, and off he goes through the crowd. After about twenty minutes he arrives on the balcony, waves to his boss and then makes his way back down.
When he gets back to St Peter's Square he finds his boss being treated by paramedics because he has had a heart attack. He asks his boss what happened and his boss says,”It was the shock. When you appeared on the balcony with the Pope the bloke standing next to me said,”Do you know that bloke on the balcony next to Bill?”
Dave
"OK, Bill, how about Tom Cruise?", said his boss. "OK, lets fly out and see him.” says Bill. They go to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Bill! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Bill's boss is still sceptical, but after visiting George Clooney, Madonna, Joe Biden, with the same result Bill's boss thinks and the says,”How about the Pope, do you know the Pope?”
"Sure!" says Bill. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
When they get there the Pope is giving an address from the balcony. Bill says he'll have a word with the guards and will come out on the balcony next to the Pope, and off he goes through the crowd. After about twenty minutes he arrives on the balcony, waves to his boss and then makes his way back down.
When he gets back to St Peter's Square he finds his boss being treated by paramedics because he has had a heart attack. He asks his boss what happened and his boss says,”It was the shock. When you appeared on the balcony with the Pope the bloke standing next to me said,”Do you know that bloke on the balcony next to Bill?”
Dave
ancient_mariner
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Not sure how many people will understand that one but then, as we know, there are 10 types of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't.