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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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The science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the headmaster, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.
She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson.
"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the headmaster, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.
She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson.
"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
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There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl...
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method"...
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record"...
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said..
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work...
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going...
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby"...
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby"...
He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucketl and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you"...?
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him"
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method"...
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record"...
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said..
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work...
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going...
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby"...
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby"...
He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucketl and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you"...?
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him"
ancient_mariner
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scottishguy
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welshwizard645
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Sent my colleagues into a fit of giggles that did.... I am still squinting...
imattersuk
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Norkie
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Isn’t that Violet Carson, who played Ena Sharples from Coronation Street?
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OP
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It does look a bit like her, but I don't think it is?
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A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the f..k do you want?'
'Ah!' he says
"Ryanair".
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the f..k do you want?'
'Ah!' he says
"Ryanair".
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It is her, it's a famous photograph
Either that or Scarlett Johansson's let herself go.
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I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today.
"Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again.
I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"
"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"
"Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again.
I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"
"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"
Norkie
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I was working on a farm a while ago. The farmer was chatting to me and said that he was breeding three legged chickens!
I said “Wow, really, why would you do that?”
He said that he liked a chicken leg for dinner. His wife liked a chicken leg for dinner, and so did his daughter.
A normal chicken only has two legs so that caused a bit of stress at dinner time. So the solution was to breed three legged chickens.
I said “So you have them now?”
“Yes” he said.
I asked “What do they taste like?”
He said “I don’t know, we chuffin haven’t caught one yet!"
I said “Wow, really, why would you do that?”
He said that he liked a chicken leg for dinner. His wife liked a chicken leg for dinner, and so did his daughter.
A normal chicken only has two legs so that caused a bit of stress at dinner time. So the solution was to breed three legged chickens.
I said “So you have them now?”
“Yes” he said.
I asked “What do they taste like?”
He said “I don’t know, we chuffin haven’t caught one yet!"
ancient_mariner
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