The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Mustard Susan wrote;--

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to another woman.
So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport.

I am now in Poland starting a new life.
 
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A drunk was staggering down the road, turning his car keys back and forth. A police officer went over to him and said excuse me sir. What are you doing?
The drunk said I’m looking for my car. The last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys,
the police officer, sir, sir, do you know that the zip on your jeans is open,?
Damn groaned the drunk, I’ve lost my wife to
 
While many complain about life in general and the cost of living etc,
I am sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-con unit costing £2,300,
watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that costs £4,000.

Right now, I'm so happy, with no worries and not a care in the world.

Not even the staff at John Lewis, who keep asking me to leave, can spoil my day.
 
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has, getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
 
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