The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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There was this girl who really wanted a boob job, so she went to see a plastic surgeon, Dr. Jones. Dr. Jones told her the cost would be $3500.00. She then told Dr. Jones she could not afford to spend that much, so he told her if she waived her hands like a duck quacking in front of her breasts daily saying, "Mary had a little lamb, her fleece was white as snow," her boobs would begin to grow. The next day she was on a bus and remembered she forgot to do the chant. She began to secretly do it, and while she was doing it, a gentleman turned around and asked her if she went to Dr. Jones. She then asked why? He replied with a hand motion moving up and down chanting, "Hickory, Dickory, Dock."
 
Cobra said:
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A few years ago my wife went to stay with her friend in Ringwood and she took a photo of her friend and her husband standing in front of the pergola. They liked the photo so much that I was asked to see what I could do with it to enhance it .Just basic editing, really. I then asked my wife (here at home) if she could see anything wrong with it. No..she couldn't. How about the large metal Plaice (fish) attached to the pergola and sitting on Mike's head ? "Oh yes. I didn't see it". I've told he so often to look round a subject before taking the photo. Anyway, it went into PS and I cloned it out.
 
This is a true story. It concerns a court case heard by Judge Arthur Jalland. He had a reputation for giving very harsh sentences,so much so that inmates at Strangeways prison ..now called HMP Manchester.. named a wing after him . In one case a defendant's lawyer tried to mitigate the sentence about to be imposed by referring to his client's "exemplary war record". "The best mitigation there could be" said Judge Jalland.."and what regiment was your client in ?" "The Wehrmacht, Your Honour"...:rolleyes: I'm sure that mitigation didn't help one bit.
 
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