The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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A boy came home from school and said, dad, what’s the difference between theory and reality.
His dad said, go and ask your mother if she’d sleep with the plumber for a million pounds.
He came back and said, yes she would.
Dad said, now go and ask your sister if she would.
The boy came back and said, yes she would too.
His dad said, there you are, you’ve got your answer. In theory we’re sat on two million pounds. In reality we’re living with two slappers.
 
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The Pope and Keir Starmer are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The PM and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Starmer says to the Pope, "Did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Socialist in the crowd go wild?"

The Pope doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Socialist in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive, but did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Starmer seriously doubts this and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope punches him in the mouth.
 
Invasion of the body snatcher.
 
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An Italian, a Mexican, and a redneck construction worker were sitting on top of their construction site during their lunch break. When the Italian opened his lunch, he said, "Dammit! If I get spaghetti again, I'mma gonna jump off this building anda kill myself." The Mexican opened his lunch and said, "Dammit! If I get tacos again, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself." The redneck also opened his lunch and said, "Dammit! If I get another damn hamburger, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself." The next day they all got the same thing in their lunchboxes and killed themselves. At the funeral, the three widows were at the graves crying. The Italian widow said, "I'm so sad because I forgot to pack him something else!" The Mexican widow sobbed, "I did the same thing!" The redneck's wife said, "That damn idiot packed his own lunch!"
 
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