The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

[Cobra]

Or apparently understand the subtlety of the word play on unusual collective nouns, in the way that @simon ess does

Pretty much on a par TBH.
Both subtle, but the crow still wins

 

[saltireblue]

None Flew over the cuckoo nest

 

[D-Mitch]

I've just watched the uncut version of Scarface.
It's called Face.

 

[Steep]

La Miserable

 

[mstphoto]

FB_IMG_1542486109922 by Mike Stephen, on Flickr

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[D-Mitch]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat Foo Foo. A fairy appears and says, "I'm here to grant you three wishes." The old woman says, "I wish I was twenty years old and beautiful again." Poof! She is. "Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion." Poof! Done. "And now I wish that Foo Foo was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me." Poof! Suddenly she's in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, "Darling, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"

 

[D-Mitch]

 

[Nod]

 

[Cobra]

 

[Nod]

 

[Steep]

 

[Brendan Mulachy]

if 2 vegetarians have a fight is it still called a beef

 

[Deleted member 68495]

if 2 vegetarians have a fight is it still called a beef

Whatever it's called, it won't last long as they'll be too tired.

 

[Gremlin]

 

[Al1944]

View attachment 386025

Could have been worse - they could have fitted a knob instead of a handle.....................

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

A midget with a lisp goes to a farmer to buy a horse. He looks over the horse to inspect it, and says to the farmer, "I'd like to sthee its teeth." So the farmer picks him up to give him a view of the teeth. Then, the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its ears." Again, the farmer picks him up to view the horses ears. Then the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its t***." "Excuse me?" says the farmer. The midget says, "I'd like to sthee its t***." So the farmer picks him up and shoves his head up the horse's t***. The midget's legs are flailing violently, and he’s screaming in there, so the farmer pulls him out and puts him down. The midget looks at the farmer and says, "I think I'll rephrase that, I'd like to sthee it run."

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

While the Lord was attached to the cross he called down to one of his disciples and said, Peter, Peter, can you hear me?

And Peter answered, yes Lord I can hear you.

The Lord then said I want you to climb the cross I have something to tell you.

Peter replied, OK Lord and he started to climb the cross.

The Lord then said, hurry Peter there's not a lot of time left.

And Peter replied, I'm nearly there Lord.

When Peter got to touching distance he just touched the Lord on his foot and said, I'm here Lord.

The Lord replied, can you hear me Peter?

And Peter replied, yes Lord I can hear you, what did you want to tell me?

And the Lord said to Peter, "I can see your house from up here".

 

[Nod]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[Nod]

 

[Nod]

 

[Cobra]

 

[Nod]

 

[AndrewFlannigan]

Why are there ten commandments?
Because eleven is just too many for most people to remember...

 

[Nod]

There is an 11th - Thou shalt not get caught.

 

[Norkie]

 

[Norkie]

 

[Nod]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[Cobra]

 

[Cordy]

"Do you like Tolstoy?", I asked Diane Abbott. "Of course”, she said “Who doesn't?"

"What's your favourite Tolstoy book?", I asked.

"The one where Thomas the Tank runs out of water and Fat Controller saves him" she replied

 

[Nod]