The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

About time for @TheBigYin 's Bah picture! I have my T-shirt ready...
 
The pessimist looked down the long, black tunnel.
The optimist looked down towards the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist looked at the freight train.
The train driver looked at the 3 twits stood on the track...
 
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Nod said:
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I recall an episode of some crime drama where some guy was found dead in a toilet, the suspicion that he was not alone was raised by one of the investigators where he was in relation to the entrance door - they presume that since he was at the urinal closest to the door then there must've been someone at the urinal furthest away from the door and that he was the murderer.

Clever stuff! I was hooked.
 
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Cockney said:
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Reminds me of this one. It has probably been posted before but it amussed me when I first heard it.


A burglar broke into a house one night. As he shone his torch around looking for valuables he saw a lot of Christian symbols and he was sure he had heard a voice say quietly, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, turned off the torch and froze but when he heard nothing more, he thought the religious symbols must have affected him so turned the torch back on and continued.

As he searched he heard the voice again say, 'Jesus knows what you are doing.'
He shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, the beam of his torch came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to tell you what you are doing is wrong and Jesus knows.'

The burglar, a bit dismissively, said. 'Oh yeah, so Jesus is watching me is he, so what? Anyway who are you?'
'I'm Moses,' replied the bird.

Feeling more relaxed the burglar said, 'Moses! What kind of people would give a parrot the name of Moses?'

And the parrot replied, 'The same kind of people who gave the name Jesus to their rottweiler."

Dave
 
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Nod said:
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Many, many years ago I was in a public loo in, I think it was, Camden Town in London. It was a big toilet with, I think, about fifteen urinals and I was the only customer at this time. I stood maybe three or four in from the door. Halfway through my ablutions this bloke came in and stood at the urinal right next to me. All of a sudden I had a sudden urge NOT to pee anymore, I swear I could actually hear my bladder clamping shut and a voice from inside it shouting 'get out, do it now!!!' I got out; I didn't look back.
 
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Thatched roof and roses round the door!!!
 
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I was listening to an advent service, where it was announced
"The choir will now sing Psalm 98, will the congregation please be seated"
According to my Bible, Psalm 98 begins "Sing unto the Lord a new song"
 
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This crazy guy walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter, “Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove. Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove. And while you’re at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove.” The waiter took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man, “The cook said you can kiss his a**, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.
 
welshwizard645 said:
I recall an episode of some crime drama where some guy was found dead in a toilet, the suspicion that he was not alone was raised by one of the investigators where he was in relation to the entrance door - they presume that since he was at the urinal closest to the door then there must've been someone at the urinal furthest away from the door and that he was the murderer.

Clever stuff! I was hooked.
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Was it a slasher?
 
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Although I'm not sure about it being a leavened roll...
 
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