The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I've just lost a court case against a fabric conditioner.

I fought Lenor, and Lenor won....
 
This copied from a FB post....

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
 
Centrica own British Gas and the company has just reported half-yearly operating profits of £1.34bn which is five times the amount from the same period last year which was £262m. A handsome bonus will be coming to the CEO, Chris O'Shea who is earning £875,000 a year.. The CEO of BP, Bernard Looney said the company was quote "literally a cash machine' His PR people had a swift word with him and he quickly retracted it. It was likened to Gerard Ratner's throw away remark to an audience of 6000 back in 1991 about the sherry glasses and decanters his company sold as being ' total crap' He compounded it by adding..... 'We sold a pair of earrings for under £1, which is cheaper than a shrimp sandwich from Marks and Spencer, but probably wouldn't last as long.' These people really don't give a toss about the public.

Here's why I'm posting this here. Centrica's CEO gained an MBA in the US from the Fuqua School of business. :D
 
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So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice." The man then asks, "So where is George W Bush,s clock?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"
 
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G.K.Jnr. said:
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice." The man then asks, "So where is George W Bush,s clock?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"
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For George Bush, substitute any politicians name; Jesus must have a lot of ceiling fans :)
 
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1st Girl: What does IDK stand for?
2nd Girl: I don’t know
1st Girl: Why doesn’t anyone know!
 
A friend of ours in Crete caught us with that one - we'd heard the word "Xero" and asked her what it meant "I don't know" was her (correct!) answer!
 
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Nod said:
A friend of ours in Crete caught us with that one - we'd heard the word "Xero" and asked her what it meant "I don't know" was her (correct!) answer!
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That reinds me of a wedding where the service according to the book of common prayer had been translated into Mandarin Chinese.
When the Minister announced "If anybody knows any just cause or impediment why these two may be not joined in holy matrimony...." most of the congregation replied.....then it was realised that this had been set as a question, so the reply "No, there is not" was liguistically correct.
Phew, what a relief!
 
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When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats.

This is known as the many paws….
 
The current drought ( mainly in the south and east Midlands) is a hot topic (no pun intended..lol) these days and attention is focused on the 9 water companies and their dereliction of duty to stop the 2.5 billion litres of leakages each day and a failure to build reservoirs whilst paying their CEO's huge sums and dividends to shareholders. There's a cross-party committee that looks at all this. It's called the "All party Parliamentary Water Group' and I just had a chuckle to myself when on Friday Nick Robinson, a Radio4 'Today' presenter, said he was going to discuss the issue with the co-chair of this parliamentary body.......Baroness McIntosh.
 
JohnC6 said:
The current drought ( mainly in the south and east Midlands) is a hot topic (no pun intended..lol) these days and attention is focused on the 9 water companies and their dereliction of duty to stop the 2.5 billion litres of leakages each day and a failure to build reservoirs whilst paying their CEO's huge sums and dividends to shareholders. There's a cross-party committee that looks at all this. It's called the "All party Parliamentary Water Group' and I just had a chuckle to myself when on Friday Nick Robinson, a Radio4 'Today' presenter, said he was going to discuss the issue with the co-chair of this parliamentary body.......Baroness McIntosh.
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I bet she is a drip!
 
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