The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
 
"Next. Resignation?"
"Yes."
"Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One form each. Next. Resignation?"
“Ah, no. PM. They said I hadn’t done anything, so I can go free and live on an island somewhere.”
“Oh, that´s jolly good. Well, off you go then.”
“Nah, I’m only pulling your leg, it’s resignation really!”
 
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Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.
 
As an aside to Chris's one above!

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There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone..'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day andall night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who was BlueBird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... Take a guess !
Think about it,
You're going to love this.
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds
With
OneStone !!!
 
An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?" The guide answered, "Land mines."
 
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A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured by the Russians and thrown into a prison cell.
The captors later come into the cell, grab the French spy and drag him into another room.
They tie his hands to a chair and torture him for two hours before he tells them everything they wanted to know

The captors throw the French spy back into the cell before taking the German spy into the torture room.
They tie his hands to a chair and torture him for four hours before he tells them all of the secrets they wanted to know

The captors throw the German spy back into the cell before dragging the Italian spy into the torture room.
The captors tie the Italian spy’s hands to the chair and begin torturing him.
After two hours, the Italian spy has told the captors nothing.
4 hours go by and the Italian spy still isn't talking.
Then 8 hours, still nothing.
16 hours pass and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.

The German and French spies are impressed and ask him how he managed to endure all that torture and not talk.
The Italian spy says “I wanted to talk but I couldn’t move my hands!”
 
Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
 
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital:
"How are you grandpa?" He asks.
"Feeling fine." Says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing?" He asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes." Replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
 
Friday night, Patrick went to his friend Paddy and said “Paddy, I need a favor – I’m sleeping with the bartender’s wife.
Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?”
Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Patrick was a lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.

After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, “Paddy, what are you really up to with all this?”
Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said,
“I’m sorry…. my friend Patrick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied.”

The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy`s shoulder, said ...
I think you’d better hurry home, my wife died two years ago.”
 
A family decided to try a nudist camping resort for a cheap vacation:
On their first day there their young son went off to explore the site.
Some time later he came back to the tent and said,
"Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls."
"They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well." His mother snaps. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."
Next day the boy comes back to the tent again.
"Mom, You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there."
"They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man." Says his mother.
"Really?" The boy said, frowning and looking puzzled. "Well it looks like we might be in trouble then, Mom."
"Why, honey?" Asks his mom.
"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."
 
Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in this lake."
Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was removing my clothes?"
Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."
 
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