The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

There was this girl who really wanted a boob job, so she went to see a plastic surgeon, Dr. Jones. Dr. Jones told her the cost would be $3500.00. She then told Dr. Jones she could not afford to spend that much, so he told her if she waived her hands like a duck quacking in front of her breasts daily saying, "Mary had a little lamb, her fleece was white as snow," her boobs would begin to grow. The next day she was on a bus and remembered she forgot to do the chant. She began to secretly do it, and while she was doing it, a gentleman turned around and asked her if she went to Dr. Jones. She then asked why? He replied with a hand motion moving up and down chanting, "Hickory, Dickory, Dock."
 
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A Fiat 500 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" asked the driver of the Fiat. "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The driver of the Rolls sighed, "I have that too." "Then do you have a double bed in the trunk?" the Fiat driver wanted to know. Embarrassed, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he ordered a mechanic to install a double bed in the trunk. A week later the Rolls driver passed the same Fiat 500 parked on the side of the road with the back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls, and bangs on the Fiat's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I wanted to tell you I have a double bed installed," says the proud Rolls driver. The Fiat driver is unimpressed, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
 
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G.K.Jnr. said:
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When I had my M135i, I got stopped by the police and the conversation started off like..

Copper - I thought you were going to go for it, that could have been fun
Me - (looking at his 2.0l Mondeo diesel) I don't think that would have been much of a race....
Copper - I've blue lights and a siren
Me - I've got 6 cylinders, 3 litres and a turbo, believe me, that race would only have one winner!

He laughed - a great exchange, which you seem to get if you show them a bit of respect....
 
Jelster said:
When I had my M135i, I got stopped by the police and the conversation started off like..

Copper - I thought you were going to go for it, that could have been fun
Me - (looking at his 2.0l Mondeo diesel) I don't think that would have been much of a race....
Copper - I've blue lights and a siren
Me - I've got 6 cylinders, 3 litres and a turbo, believe me, that race would only have one winner!

He laughed - a great exchange, which you seem to get if you show them a bit of respect....
Click to expand...
worst, look at what car I have owned, lead in ever.
 
A toilet cleaner wins the lottery and is being interviewed by the press.
“Will it change your life?” he was asked.
“Too right it will! Fifty million quid would change anyone’s life, I’m retiring immediately and spend spend spend.”
“Does your wife work?” he was asked.
“Yes, she cleans the ladies next door ”
“Will it change her life?”
Looking amazed the guy says ”Why has she won it as well?”
 
A film crew was filming in the highlands in Scotland when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by and said, "Tomorrow rain," and hobbled on. Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past and said, "Tomorrow sunshine." It was indeed a fine sunny day the next day. The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy and said, "Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up?" "Radio broken," the old man replied.
 
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