The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

He's looking down to it (or, possibly, up...)
 
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Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

I’m trying to organise a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up her own incision? Suture self..
 
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Or those bleeding footballers' wives!
 
A lawyer driving his top-of-the-range BMW is involved in a serious accident with another vehicle.
He leaps out and confronts the other driver yelling "Look what you've done to my Beamer! I'll sue you for everything you've got!"
The other driver stares with horror at the lawyer and replies "You BMW drivers are just so damn materialistic - all you care about is your car and you haven't even noticed that your arm's been torn off!"
The lawyer stares down at the bloody stump and shrieks "Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?"
 
An old lady was knitting & speeding down the highway. A cop pulled up alongside her vehicle & yelled, "Pull over!" She yelled back, "No, they're mittens!"
 
I rode my bike to the off licence yesterday to get some booze for the Jubilee and bought a bottle of brandy and two bottles of wine.

When I put them in the basket, I realized that if I fell off the bike the bottles would break. So, I drank the whole bottle of brandy and the bottles of wine right there.

It was a wise decision as fell off my bike 3 times on the way home.
 
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