The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Little Johnny walks in on his mum in the shower.
"What are those?", he asks, pointing at her breasts.
"Erm, those are my balloons."
"What are they for?"
Erm, "When I die they are blown up and I float up to heaven." she said saying the first thing that came into her head.
"OK"
A few days later little Johnny comes running up to his mum as she gets out of her car in the driveway.
"Mummy, mummy, come quickly, the aupair's dying!"
"Why, what makes you think that, Johnny?"
"Well, daddy's blowing up her balloons and she's saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
 
IMG-20220501-WA0000.jpg
 
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux was friends. One day, Boudreaux saw Thibodeaux driving a brand new Ford. He said, "Thibodeaux, where'd you get that new truck? You don't have no job." Tibodeaux said, "You know Mrs. Patty? She's been sweet on me for quite some time. Today, she took me out into the woods in this here truck. She got out the truck, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Thibodeaux, take what you want.' So I took the truck." Boudreaux said, "Well dats good for you Thibodeaux, because her clothes would never fit you."
 
corporate solution.jpg
 
upload_2022-4-1_20-50-56.jpeg
 
The only thing I have had from muckdonalds in years was a coffee I bought to justify using their karzi. The coffee was marginally better than I imagine the McPee would have tasted!!!
 
IMG_4830.jpeg
 
Been there, done that, got the teeshirt hypersensitive fingertip as a reminder...
 
hunnymonster said:
Nor is Ralgex o_O

Happened on a trip back from a rugby game... One of the lads had a groin strain, whipped his tweeds down on the bus, was liberally applying Ralgex to the area when the bus went over a bump and his aim was briefly impaired....
Click to expand...
This came to mind and I don't think it's been posted for a while

 
Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you $10!" "Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."
 
267443042_4840232179374593_1975181083704324184_n.jpg
 
  • Like
Reactions: Nod
A door-to-door double glazing salesman rings a doorbell and a boy aged about fourteen opens the door.
The boy is smoking a joint, has his left arm around a semi clad young lady and a glass of scotch in his right hand.
The salesman asks the boy if his parents are at home.
The boy says, 'What do you think ?'.
 
Last edited:
A sixty year old couple are walking along a beach celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary when the man kicks over a seashell and a genie appears.
The genie says that they can each have one wish.
The wife says that she has always wanted to be able to travel anywhere in the world she fancies going to.
A flash of smoke and she has a large bag full of airline tickets in her hand and off she goes.
The man says that he has always wanted to have a wife 40 years younger than him.
A flash of smoke and he's a hundred years old !
 
4D24A3EF-9564-4179-AE2B-2666D9452BB5.jpeg
 
An Italian, a Mexican, and a redneck construction worker were sitting on top of their construction site during their lunch break. When the Italian opened his lunch, he said, "Dammit! If I get spaghetti again, I'mma gonna jump off this building anda kill myself." The Mexican opened his lunch and said, "Dammit! If I get tacos again, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself." The redneck also opened his lunch and said, "Dammit! If I get another damn hamburger, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself." The next day they all got the same thing in their lunchboxes and killed themselves. At the funeral, the three widows were at the graves crying. The Italian widow said, "I'm so sad because I forgot to pack him something else!" The Mexican widow sobbed, "I did the same thing!" The redneck's wife said, "That damn idiot packed his own lunch!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top