The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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An Man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day .....And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! 'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' The man nodded ...'I'll tell you though, be all the saints, I thought I were going to drop dead on that third day.''You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor.'No, from the bloody skipping!'
 
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A midget with a lisp goes to a farmer to buy a horse. He looks over the horse to inspect it, and says to the farmer, "I'd like to sthee its teeth." So the farmer picks him up to give him a view of the teeth. Then, the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its ears." Again, the farmer picks him up to view the horses ears. Then the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its t***." "Excuse me?" says the farmer. The midget says, "I'd like to sthee its t***." So the farmer picks him up and shoves his head up the horse's t***. The midget's legs are flailing violently, and he’s screaming in there, so the farmer pulls him out and puts him down. The midget looks at the farmer and says, "I think I'll rephrase that, I'd like to sthee it run."
 
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An oldie that's resurfaced...

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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."
 
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A cowboy goes down to the stable, lifts his horse's tail, and plants a kiss smack dab on the horses butthole. Another cowboy sees this and yells, "What the hell are you doing?" He replies, "I've got chapped lips." The other cowboy asks, "Does that help?" "Nope," he answers, "It just keeps me from licking them."
 
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