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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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- Nod (UK)
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Not a meme (yet) but you couldn't make it up!
Needs to be renamed "NEVER FORWARD".
Needs to be renamed "NEVER FORWARD".
munch
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The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" She asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened!
I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found?
Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy." Says his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here.
Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation.
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation....
She never got your email!
"What happened Paddy?" She asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened!
I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found?
Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy." Says his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here.
Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation.
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation....
She never got your email!
Merlin5
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- Lee
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I boarded an aircraft at Manchester Airport for New York. Whilst taking my seat, I noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
I realised she was heading straight toward my seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside me.
"Hello", I blurted out, "Business trip or holiday?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", I smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," I said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
I realised she was heading straight toward my seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside me.
"Hello", I blurted out, "Business trip or holiday?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", I smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," I said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
JohnStewart
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Brendan Mulachy
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G.K.Jnr.
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A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you." The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"
ancient_mariner
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I used to know a choir director who couldn’t play the piano but wished he could. Was this a case of pianist envy?