The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )


Back when Eddie Mair presented Broadcasting House some government minister was caught lying and was denying it so Eddie did a straight interview with a fire officer about what to do if your trousers caught fire.
 
Etch a Sketch Technical Support
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Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
 
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I know someone who had this happen. He hadn't told wife #2 that he'd had the snip - it hadn't come up and neither (allegedly...) wanted more kids (both had 1 from previous relationships. Oddly, the relationship survived.
 
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Good advice for children -

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

When your dad is mad and asks you if he looks stupid don’t answer him.

Never tell your mum her diet isn’t working.

Stay away from prunes.

Never pee on an electric fence.

Never pull your dads finger when he tells you.

When you mum is mad at your dad don’t let her brush your hair.

Don’t sneeze in front of your mum when eating crackers.

Dogs still have bad breath even after eating tic tacs.

Never hold a cat and a dust buster at the same time.

You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

If you want a kitten start out by asking for a horse.

Felt markers don’t work well as lipstick.

Don’t pick on your sister when she is holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad school report show it to your mum when she is on the phone.

Never try to baptise a cat.
 
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A man is telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really?" answers the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "12:30."
 
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And :coat:?
 
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