The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

[camerassassin]

I just got off the phone with a friend in North Dakota. He said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

[Cobra]

 

[Gremlin]

 

[Gremlin]

 

[Mag1cp2x]

I just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon - I’ll let you know …

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[mikew]

 

[Earley Man]

View attachment 342506

I'm somewhere between slightly queasy and nauseous.

 

[Nod]

SLIGHTLY?

 

[Nod]

 

[mikew]

 

[Nod]

 

[Krisstiffer]

 

[Nod]

Possibly the same visitors...

 

[Earley Man]

SLIGHTLY?

I grew up on a dairy smallholding followed by six years in a dockyard and nine years in the merchant navy; hence the slightly.

 

[Gremlin]

 

[mikew]

 

[Mag1cp2x]

My grandfather had two careers at once, he was a veterinarian and a taxidermist.
He always assured his customers that, no matter what, their pets would definitely be going back home ….

 

[Tigger.ufo]

View attachment 342652

Interchangeable ...

 

[Nod]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[kendo1]

 

[Nod]

 

[Al1944]

You posted that yesterday Nod

• #28,134

 

[Gremlin]

 

[Nod]

You posted that yesterday Nod

• #28,134

At least it's reasonably funny! I usually delete them as soon as I post them but must have been distracted yesterday. Not the first time and almost certainly not the last!!!

 

[Cordy]

During last night's gale I shouted to the wife "Bring me some Tawny, Late Bottled Vintage or some Ruby"

Any port in a storm.....

 

[Nod]

Hopefully not a repeat - but it could be!

 

[Steep]

 

[D-Mitch]

I went to see a faith healer last night and he was rubbish.
He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[Earley Man]

 

[Tringa]

View attachment 342816

I'm a bit worried by this Christopher because

(a) I do this all the time, and

(b) as you can probably guess from my avatar, I used to look like this when I was younger.


Dave

 

[Tringa]

This was according to Barry Cryer's son told by Barry to a nurse not long before he died.

A man and his wife are out walking one day when they spot a lone fellow on the other side of the road. "That looks like the Archbishop of Canterbury over there," says the woman. "Go and see if it is,” she adds.

The husband crosses the road and asks the man if he is indeed the Archbishop of Canterbury.

"F*ck off," says the man.

The husband crosses back to his wife who asks, "What did he say? Is he the Archbishop of Canterbury?"

"He told me to f*ck off," says the husband.

"Oh no," replies the wife, "Now we'll never know."


Dave