The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had only one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is both luminous and fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it!"
 
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Here, borrow mine... :coat:

:P
 
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Just pray you never see her navel...


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It was reported that at the COP26 conference President Biden farted whilst chatting with the Duchess of Cornwall aka Camilla. An anecdote accompanied this report.

The Queen was entertaining a foreign dignatory and whilst showing him around her stables a horse farted loudly. "I do apologise, Your Excellency" said the Queen, after an awkward pause.. His Excellency replied. "It is no problem, Your Majesty, I thought it was one of the horses"
 
Waitrose had campaign about 10 years ago where they asked people to post why they shop at Waitrose. The invite was to post "I shop at Waitrose because ..." which of course was a "red rag" to just about everybody. Some of the better answers:

My favourite: : "I shop at Waitrose because Clarissa's pony WILL NOT eat ASDA Value straw."

Some of the many others:

"I shop at Waitrose because I got a lifetime ban from M&S after doing something obscene to a Percy Pig.”

"I shop at Waitrose because if you buy a full tank of helicopter fuel, you get 10% off champagne. It is a recession after all."

"I shop at Waitrose as Tabitha and Tarquin only eat phoenix eggs that have been collected by wizards who share their values."

“Because every 100th bag of Waitrose salad comes with a cute frog inside.”

“I shop at Waitrose because it makes me feel important and I absolutely detest being surrounded by poor people.”

“I shop at Waitrose because ... 'you say ‘10 items or fewer’ not ’10 items or less’, which is important.”

Dave
 
Better not post the girl with the Homer Simpson tattoo...
 
JohnC6 said:
It was reported that at the COP26 conference President Biden farted whilst chatting with the Duchess of Cornwall aka Camilla. An anecdote accompanied this report.

The Queen was entertaining a foreign dignatory and whilst showing him around her stables a horse farted loudly. "I do apologise, Your Excellency" said the Queen, after an awkward pause.. His Excellency replied. "It is no problem, Your Majesty, I thought it was one of the horses"
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I heard that one from across the pond when Ronald Reagan entertained the Queen, they went to a racecorse where one of the horses farted
"I'm so embarassed," said the Queen
"Really," said Regan, "I thought it was one of the horses!"
 
Nod said:
Better not post the girl with the Homer Simpson tattoo...
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Is that the one of Homer mooning with the navel forming his....well, you know what.
 
Have you ever got half way through a horse and thought, I'm not as hungry as I thought I was ?
 
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