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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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Norkie
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An Australian preacher addressing his outback congregation said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Henry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Henry replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Henry's ear, placed his other hand on top of Henry's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Henry, how is your hearing now?"
Henry answered, "I don't know. It ain't until next week."
With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Henry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Henry replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Henry's ear, placed his other hand on top of Henry's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Henry, how is your hearing now?"
Henry answered, "I don't know. It ain't until next week."
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While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I recalled the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to the local village pub just a couple of hundred yards from our home. First drink ordered was a Guinness, which she spat out almost immediately. I conceded that she perhaps didn’t like Guinness, so I finished her drink off.
Next we tried some Stella Artois, and just like the Guinness earlier, a half mouth consumed which was duly spat out. I conceded that perhaps lager wasn’t for her, so I duly finished her drink off.
Next we tried some cider, and as before, a little taste which was quickly spat out in disgust. I also finished this drink off for her.
Perhaps my daughter was a spirit drinker instead? So I ordered several different spirits including vodka, gin, brandy, rum, and whisky. Each drink tasted, each drink spat out, each drink finished by me.
By the time I finally realised that alcohol and my daughter didn’t mix I was so drunk I could hardly push her home in the stroller.
Off we went to the local village pub just a couple of hundred yards from our home. First drink ordered was a Guinness, which she spat out almost immediately. I conceded that she perhaps didn’t like Guinness, so I finished her drink off.
Next we tried some Stella Artois, and just like the Guinness earlier, a half mouth consumed which was duly spat out. I conceded that perhaps lager wasn’t for her, so I duly finished her drink off.
Next we tried some cider, and as before, a little taste which was quickly spat out in disgust. I also finished this drink off for her.
Perhaps my daughter was a spirit drinker instead? So I ordered several different spirits including vodka, gin, brandy, rum, and whisky. Each drink tasted, each drink spat out, each drink finished by me.
By the time I finally realised that alcohol and my daughter didn’t mix I was so drunk I could hardly push her home in the stroller.
Brendan Mulachy
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I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday.....he had a Wigan address
ancient_mariner
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Sadly I think this may be a little too subtle - the picture should be familiar but somehow isn't.
Bobsyeruncle
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It's a micky take of a USA wrestler Becky Lynch. Her pic was used and ran for a while like the Karen on social media.How is this funny?
I suppose you had to be there.
Farmerjim
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saltireblue
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Kia Motors and Apple are cooperating on the world's first self-assembly car. It will be called the iKia.
Earley Man
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TRUE EQUALITY
Here I lie by the Chancel door.
Here I lie because I'm poor.
The further in the more you pay.
Here I lie as warm as they.
Here I lie by the Chancel door.
Here I lie because I'm poor.
The further in the more you pay.
Here I lie as warm as they.