The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

The wisdom of Zen,

  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path may be too narrow. Why don't you ----off and find somewhere else to walk
  • Do not critisise anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. This means when you start, you will be a mile away and have their shoes
  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken drivebelt and flat tyre.
  • Some days you’re the fly; some days you’re the windscreen
  • If you ever feel you are worthless remember that you are full of expensive organs.
  • It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour's milk, that’s the time to do it.
  • Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  • Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else…
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, maybe skydiving is not for you.
  • No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  • Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • Don't worry, it will only seem kinky the first time
 
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
 
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Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.
She had her first family planning lesson today.

Her mother, very interested, asks; " How did it go?"
"I nearly died of shame." She answers.
“Why?” Her Mother asked.

Annie said, “Kate from down the road, says that the stork brings babies,
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage,
and Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but that's how I felt when I had to tell them that we were so poor; you and daddy had to make me yourselves.
 
Bext conspiracy theory ever.

244638080_10223235414646633_5558209760417377052_n.jpg

Birds Aren't Real

They used to be. Until the U.S. Government replaced them with drone replicas designed to spy on the American public. Founded in 1976.
birdsarentreal.com birdsarentreal.com
 
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This is a current live ad for Lynx body wash on Gumtree by Sheila https://www.gumtree.com/p/freebies/lynx-body-wash-for-free-/1417013422

Description​

Mr Sheila doesn't like or use them as he thinks he smells like a big girls blouse so if anyone wants them then sing out! Unused unopened and there are two possibly more but they are taking up space I simply don't have. He's maybe scared that he will have hordes of sex starved women chasing him up the High Street trying to ravish him if he uses them.........

DISCLAIMER-If this has upset the woke or PC Brigade-tough! Mr Sheila is almost 73 and the only things that chases him up the High Street are seagulls bluebottles chuggers religious groups and beggars!!!
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I went for a toucan curry last night, I washed it all down with toucans of larger.
The bill was massive....
 
Dyslexics beware - your cocks will go black at halloween...
 
Not everyone wants to go into the sewer that is hot topics.

Any chance of some guideline as to what is and isn't allowed in here, please?

I take it that the casual racism that seems to slide on through without comment will be censored as well as the risqué memes.
 
Nod said:
Not everyone wants to go into the sewer that is hot topics.

Any chance of some guideline as to what is and isn't allowed in here, please?

I take it that the casual racism that seems to slide on through without comment will be censored as well as the risqué memes.
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If were up to me all racist and misogynist crap would just get deleted. Since the other thread is NSFW then I guess the guidance is SFW/child appropriate content in here. This thread is publicly viewable and searchable and needs to be a good advert for the UK's leading photography forum. This is a photography forum not a porn site.
 
sirch said:
If were up to me all racist and misogynist crap would just get deleted. Since the other thread is NSFW then I guess the guidance is SFW/child appropriate content in here. This thread is publicly viewable and searchable and needs to be a good advert for the UK's leading photography forum. This is a photography forum not a porn site.
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“Irishman” jokes — usually “Paddy … “ but I’m not sure they are technically NSFW? :(.
 

William Shatner steals Blue Origin rocket to search for reborn Leonard Nimoy​

William Shatner to search for Spock

An arrest warrant has been issued for Star Trek actor William Shatner, who is reported to have stolen the Blue Origin rocket he launched in today.
It is believed that Shatner carried out the audacious theft with a group of friends after claiming they just wanted to ‘look the old bird over’ before overcoming the crew and taking control shortly before launch.
Jeff Bezos is reported to be incredulous about the crime, as the rocket is not designed for more than five minutes in space, let alone five years..
A spokesperson said, “We just don’t understand how they got her going. She’s not got the power or thrust to escape Earth’s gravitational field.”
“Quite simply, the engines cannae take it.”
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newsthump.com

William Shatner steals Blue Origin rocket to search for reborn Leonard Nimoy

An arrest warrant has been issued for Star Trek actor William Shatner, who is reported to have stolen the Blue Origin rocket he launched in today.
newsthump.com newsthump.com
 
sphexx said:
“Irishman” jokes — usually “Paddy … “ but I’m not sure they are technically NSFW? :(.
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Every time I see a paddy joke I am tempted to delete it but I imagine it would cause a lot of upset, accusations of wokism etc. I wonder if @G.K.Jnr. will take the hint ;)
 
sirch said:
Every time I see a paddy joke I am tempted to delete it but I imagine it would cause a lot of upset, accusations of wokism etc. I wonder if @G.K.Jnr. will take the hint ;)
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Some of them (only some) contain a grain of wisdom — the one I remember from many years ago was about the traveller in Ireland asking directions only to be told “you can’t get there from here”, which firstly is just a different way of expressing things but also is so true of many other situations ;).

I take comfort in thinking they are possibly a compliment to the often inventive ways the Irish have enhanced English as in GBS’s “US & GB are two countries divided by a common language”.
 
sirch said:
Every time I see a paddy joke I am tempted to delete it but I imagine it would cause a lot of upset, accusations of wokism etc. I wonder if @G.K.Jnr. will take the hint ;)
Click to expand...

I scroll on by.
 
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and doing anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior when the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"
 
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