The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Mag1cp2x said:
Should there be any here for whom English is not their native tongue and may be struggling to be fully understood at all times, just remember that 'read' is pronounced the same as 'lead' and 'read' is pronounced the same as 'lead'.........Thank me later .......
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and
''A cat with 9 lives lives on our street''
 
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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the engineer called to his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The government worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Comp and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
 
Cobra said:
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the engineer called to his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The government worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Comp and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
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The fourth scenario is probably the closest one to the truth.:)
 
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the Mother superior.

“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards,
but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Mother,” says the nun.

“After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother superior again.
“Well, no.” says the nun.

“You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“IS THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed Mother Superior.

“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.”

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the f*****g putt, didn’t you?”
 
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter...

St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates,
but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a trouser snake ?”
The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a trouser snake?” “
Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”
“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another!
St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”
Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff,
I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!”
 
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