The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

PORTUGAL MOANING THEY HAVE BEEN PUT ON AMBER STOPPING BRITISH TOURISTS SPENDING THEIR MONEY THERE.
SPAIN MOANING THEY AND THEIR ISLANDS HAVN’T BEEN ADDED TO THE GREEN LIST SO STOPPING BRITISH TOURISM.
AS ARE GREECE , TURKEY ETC ETC..
WELL YOU SHOULD OF GIVEN US SOME POINTS IN THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST THEN SHOULDN'T YOU...KARMA IS A BITCH...JUST SAYIN
 
Sad news....

The man who devised the M & S food ads has died.

He will be cremated tomorrow in an applewood and mesquite fire with blistered marshmallows and charred Madagascan vanilla pods.
 
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The Pope was having a shower.
Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!".
"This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.
Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?"
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million Dollars.."
"TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, they must have seen you coming!!!!!
 
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Well, because that's the way they built them in England, and English engineers designed the first US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
So, why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England . You see, that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And what about the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)
Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature, of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything......
 
Mods please delete if too rude!!!

Lots of swearies ...

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Mods please delete if too rude!!!
I've not seen that version before :lol:
Yes a tad norty but its not in ya face (y)
 
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Probably a repeat...

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If anyone's looking for somewhere to go at the end of July, here are a couple of suggestions...


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