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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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- Dave
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On a recent visit to a rundown Cornish village hall Boris Johnson asked the locals what were their biggest concerns.
An elderly lady replied: 'Two things spring to mind, firstly, since our village GP retired it takes us three hours and two buses to get to the doctors...'
Boris interrupted: 'Well let me stop you right there and see what I can do for you'. He pulled his phone out his pocket and after a couple of minutes of chat said, 'Hurrah! A new GP will be sent to your village by the end of the week. What is the other issue?'
The old lady replied, 'The other thing is there is no mobile phone signal on any network within a mile of the village.'
Dave
An elderly lady replied: 'Two things spring to mind, firstly, since our village GP retired it takes us three hours and two buses to get to the doctors...'
Boris interrupted: 'Well let me stop you right there and see what I can do for you'. He pulled his phone out his pocket and after a couple of minutes of chat said, 'Hurrah! A new GP will be sent to your village by the end of the week. What is the other issue?'
The old lady replied, 'The other thing is there is no mobile phone signal on any network within a mile of the village.'
Dave
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Mag1cp2x
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Is that the ‘rundown Cornish village’ that has a small cottage for sale at under £1m ?
Mag1cp2x
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My exchange with the barista in the BBC’s studios canteen at their Salford Quays studios this morning -
Me. A skinny latte, please
Barista. We don’t accept that fat shaming term
Me. OK, I’ll have a flat white then
Barista. We don’t accept overtones of white privilege
Me. Creamy ?
Barista. What ? Are you trying to get me to marginalise the fair skinned ?
Me. A mocha ?
Barista. That would offend the brown minorities
Me. You win, I’ll have black coffee
Barista. THAT’S IT ! I’m calling security !
Me. A skinny latte, please
Barista. We don’t accept that fat shaming term
Me. OK, I’ll have a flat white then
Barista. We don’t accept overtones of white privilege
Me. Creamy ?
Barista. What ? Are you trying to get me to marginalise the fair skinned ?
Me. A mocha ?
Barista. That would offend the brown minorities
Me. You win, I’ll have black coffee
Barista. THAT’S IT ! I’m calling security !
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A taxi driver has to pick up an American from Heathrow. and drive him north.
As they drive around the M25 the American says, “So that’s London, huh?’
”Yes”, says the driver.
The American says, “Back in the states we’d build a city like that in a month.”
Later in the journey the pass through Newcastle.
“What’s this place called?", says the American.
”That”s Newcastle.”
”Well back in the states, we’d build a city like that in a week.”
Later while driving through Edinburgh. the same question is asked - “And what’s this place called?”
The driver pauses and says, "I've no idea, it wasn't here this morning."
Dave
As they drive around the M25 the American says, “So that’s London, huh?’
”Yes”, says the driver.
The American says, “Back in the states we’d build a city like that in a month.”
Later in the journey the pass through Newcastle.
“What’s this place called?", says the American.
”That”s Newcastle.”
”Well back in the states, we’d build a city like that in a week.”
Later while driving through Edinburgh. the same question is asked - “And what’s this place called?”
The driver pauses and says, "I've no idea, it wasn't here this morning."
Dave
Earley Man
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Given the current state of the management system of the BBC the likelihood of that happening is far from remote.
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.
Bobsyeruncle
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scottishguy
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OP
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus
OP
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Not the first time and probably won't be the last!
