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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
- Start date
G.K.Jnr.
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- 34,213
- Name
- George.
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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- 17,208
- Name
- Hugh
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A doctor has to vaccinate an Englishman, a Frenchman, a German and an American....and a Scotsman...
He said to the Englishman:
- Roll up your sleeve, please.
- Never! I don't want your microchipped poison!
- Come on! A gentleman would take the vaccine for England!
And the Englishman got vaccinated.
The doctor addresses the German:
- Now it's your turn.
- Nein!
- But my Herr, it's an order!
And the German got vaccinated.
The doctor addresses the American:
- Now you.
- Never !
- As you wish. At least your neighbor (sic) got it!
And the American got the vaccine.
The doctor addresses the French:
- It's your turn !
- I will not be vaccinated!
- Come on, a gentleman would get vaccinated.
- No way !
- It's an order !
- No !
- You know, your neighbour got vaccinated ...
- I do not care !
- Tell me: where are you from?
- I am French!
- Ah, a Frenchman! You are not entitled to the vaccine anyway.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN I AM NOT ENTITLED? I DEMAND IT!!!
.... and the Frenchman was vaccinated.
EDIT Added a Scotsman
He said to the Scotsman:
- Roll up your sleeve please
- Nae chance loon!
- but we can give you the deep fried version..
- and the Scotsman was vaccinated.
He said to the Englishman:
- Roll up your sleeve, please.
- Never! I don't want your microchipped poison!
- Come on! A gentleman would take the vaccine for England!
And the Englishman got vaccinated.
The doctor addresses the German:
- Now it's your turn.
- Nein!
- But my Herr, it's an order!
And the German got vaccinated.
The doctor addresses the American:
- Now you.
- Never !
- As you wish. At least your neighbor (sic) got it!
And the American got the vaccine.
The doctor addresses the French:
- It's your turn !
- I will not be vaccinated!
- Come on, a gentleman would get vaccinated.
- No way !
- It's an order !
- No !
- You know, your neighbour got vaccinated ...
- I do not care !
- Tell me: where are you from?
- I am French!
- Ah, a Frenchman! You are not entitled to the vaccine anyway.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN I AM NOT ENTITLED? I DEMAND IT!!!
.... and the Frenchman was vaccinated.
EDIT Added a Scotsman
He said to the Scotsman:
- Roll up your sleeve please
- Nae chance loon!
- but we can give you the deep fried version..
- and the Scotsman was vaccinated.
Last edited:
Box Brownie
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Happy Groundhog Day everybody.
Happy Groundhog Day everybody.
Happy Groundhog Day everybody.
Happy Groundhog Day everybody.
Did Punxsutawney Phil see his shadow or not???
.
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Don't know, but it's brightening up here in Cheshire, so an animal could well cast a shadow here soon! Somewhat worrying if the old rhyme is to be believed: If Candlemas Day be fair and bright, winter will have another fight. If Candlemas Day brings cloud and rain, winter won't come again.
Given the overcast start but sunny intervals and rain showers, perhaps winter will only revisit occasionally for a second flight?
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Hey, turns out that if you're quick you can watch his decision live!
- Messages
- 49,339
- Name
- Nod (UK)
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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,
Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty..
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the f*** out of here!'
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,
Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty..
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the f*** out of here!'
- Messages
- 49,339
- Name
- Nod (UK)
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Four nuns are going up to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the Pearly gates and says:
'Because your nuns I can skip alot of the paperwork only
I have to ask you all something":
" Have you ever touched a man's penis"?
The first nun replies: "Only once, and just with the tip of my finger".
St. Peter replies: "Very well then. Dip your finger in the holy water and go on into heaven".
He asks the second nun the same question, and she replies:
"Just once....with.. um... the palm of my hand".
"Wash your hand in the holy water and go on into heaven".
Just then the fourth nun barges in front of the third nun.
"Please wait your turn" says St.Peter.
The fourth nun angrily replies:
"I am not gargling with that water once she's washed her arse in it"!
'Because your nuns I can skip alot of the paperwork only
I have to ask you all something":
" Have you ever touched a man's penis"?
The first nun replies: "Only once, and just with the tip of my finger".
St. Peter replies: "Very well then. Dip your finger in the holy water and go on into heaven".
He asks the second nun the same question, and she replies:
"Just once....with.. um... the palm of my hand".
"Wash your hand in the holy water and go on into heaven".
Just then the fourth nun barges in front of the third nun.
"Please wait your turn" says St.Peter.
The fourth nun angrily replies:
"I am not gargling with that water once she's washed her arse in it"!
- Messages
- 49,339
- Name
- Nod (UK)
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A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Flip!!! I walked here. How am I going to carry all this home?
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thank you!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 22, Mocking Bird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alleyway. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Blimey lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket .... and I'll hold the chickens."
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thank you!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 22, Mocking Bird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alleyway. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Blimey lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket .... and I'll hold the chickens."
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- 5,988
- Name
- Heather
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