The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I surf the web a lot, and I guess I was using too much bandwidth, because the other day I got an automated phone call from my service provider. It was The Rolling Stones singing, "Hey, you. Get off of my cloud!"
 
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A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile, says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties'
 
1. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?



2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?



3. Do twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned?



4. Why is the letter W in English called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?



5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.



6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.



7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"



8. 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.



Four great confusions still unresolved:



1. At a movie theatre, which armrest is yours?



2. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?



3. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?



4. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?



Vagaries of English Language:



Ever wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?



Why isn't a Fireman called a Waterman?



How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?



If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?



If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?



How do you get off a non-stop flight?



Why are goods sent by ship called CARgo and those sent by truck SHIPment?



Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?



Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?



Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?



How come Noses run and Feet smell?



Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?



What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?



Did you know that if you have What, When and Where and then replace the "W's" with T's the questions are answered?
 
Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) I can't see you anymore I am not going to let you hurt me like this again.






Trainer: It was a sit up, you did one sit up.
 
munch said:
1. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?



2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?



3. Do twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned?



4. Why is the letter W in English called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?



5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.



6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.



7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"



8. 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.



Four great confusions still unresolved:



1. At a movie theatre, which armrest is yours?



2. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?



3. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?



4. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?



Vagaries of English Language:



Ever wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?



Why isn't a Fireman called a Waterman?



How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?



If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?



If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?



How do you get off a non-stop flight?



Why are goods sent by ship called CARgo and those sent by truck SHIPment?



Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?



Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?



Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?



How come Noses run and Feet smell?



Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?



What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?



Did you know that if you have What, When and Where and then replace the "W's" with T's the questions are answered?
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I am a toxicologist by profession.. please do not ask these questions after 2 large bottles of Liffey and a strong rum and ginger ale.. I spent ages thinking about the first question
 
If GH stands for P in HICCOUGH
if OUGH stands for O in DOUGH
If PHTH stands for T in PHTHISIS
If EIGH stands for A in NEIGHBOUR
If TTE stands for T in GAZETTE
If EAU stands for O in PLATEAU

Then the correct way to spell potato should be -
GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU [emoji41]
 
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Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: No, because there is no proof of it.
Boss: Well there is now !
Employee: How?
Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle's funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.
 
Cobra said:
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Mostly just say Cluck Off! :exit:

The that always amused with my little banties was that if one found anything excellent but too big to eat, eg a dead mouse, she would run away from the others ‘screaming’ at the top of her voice and thus attracting unwanted attention from the others :).
 
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I really fancy buying an electric bicycle, but I can't afford to pay cash so I would need to use my credit card.

Trouble is, my wife put a spoke in the works saying that I would be saddled with the payments....
 
Norkie said:
I really fancy buying an electric bicycle, but I can't afford to pay cash so I would need to use my credit card.

Trouble is, my wife put a spoke in the works saying that I would be saddled with the payments....
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Be careful who you buy from or you'll be taken for a ride.
 
You mean I might get framed?
 
To earn some extra cash I could do some door to door selling of tea towels, you know, be a pedlar.
 
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