The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Mag1cp2x said:
..... and don't trust those supermarket 'colleagues' with the little guns at the entrance.
He told me he was taking my temperature ... yeah right !
I only went in for some eggs, bread and milk but came out with a bottle of Scotch and a 12 pack of Spitfire :cool:
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And you say that like it was a bad thing!
 
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Great Beer quotes

When I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, it is better to drink this beer &let dreams come true, than be selfish & worry about my liver.”

Babe Ruth

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case.

Coincidence? I think not!”

H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven.”

George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,

But the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

Dave Barry

“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.”
 
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”


‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn.



'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...


I know you smiled… now keep that smile for the rest of the day!!!)
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Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
The conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster


Husband's Diary:
A one-foot putt .. who the hell misses a one-foot putt?
 
munch said:
Great Beer quotes

When I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, it is better to drink this beer &let dreams come true, than be selfish & worry about my liver.”

Babe Ruth

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case.

Coincidence? I think not!”

H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven.”

George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,

But the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

Dave Barry

“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.”
Click to expand...


Man and wife sitting in the lounge. He swigs from the bottle and says 'I love you'. Wife unimpressed asks 'is that you or the beer talking?' sternly. He replies 'I was talking to the beer!'.
 
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