The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”

They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen.
I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them.
I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
 
A teacher asked three students what causes war. The first student said, "Knives." The second one said, "Guns." The third one drew a dot on the board. The teacher asked, "What's that?" The student replied, "A period." The teacher asked "How does a period cause war?" The student replied, "If my sister misses one, my mom will kill her."
 
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot.
This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word.
How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said,
“Son, the house is just gorgeous but it’s really much too big for me.
I only live in one room, and it’s much too large for me to clean and take care of.
I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.”

Then she explained to her second son,
“Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it,
but I don’t drive and I really don’t like that driver, so please return the car.”

Next, she went to son number three and said,
“Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious.”
 
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