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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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Bobsyeruncle
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At least you can grow a moustache......Mo vember
OP
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Have you seen my new ( seasonal) avatar ?
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Is that a Trumpkin?
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That’s not a bad metaphor for a lockdown/circuit breaker.
mex
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Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night! Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says,
'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer'. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun'.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'. Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful'.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'
'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem Hun'. Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks,
'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer Willie in de other' does it really stimulate yer that much?'.
Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,
but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.
After the show, Cilla says,
'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer'. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun'.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'. Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful'.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'
'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem Hun'. Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks,
'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer Willie in de other' does it really stimulate yer that much?'.
Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,
but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.
Bobsyeruncle
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Reminds me of this old Hector Nicol joke...
The circus comes to Glasgow Green and wee Shug takes his wife Agnes.
The ringmaster comes out with a donkey and asks who can ride the bucking bronco for 3 minutes and win £50?
A guy puts his hand up, "come on down" says the ring master.
He lasts 20 seconds....
"Anyone else"? Asks the ringmaster?
Another guy puts his hand up, he lasts 30 seconds.
Wee Shug puts his hand up, and Agnes says " whit the fcuk are ye puttin' yer hon up fur?
"Watch this" he says.....
He rides the bucking bronco for 5 minutes, the crowd go wild.
He gets the £50 and goes back to his seat.
"Where the fcuk did ye learn to dae that"? asks Agnes.....
Shug replies......"mind thon time ye hud the hoopin' cough.....
