The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Cartus said:
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
Click to expand...
Many years ago I was at my nephew's christening and another family had a christening at the same service, they named their girl Sharon Tracey, seriously!
 
<<
While out and about today I was stopped by a pair of ducks who asked if I knew the way to the old guy building a big boat.
I'm beginning to think I should have tagged along. >>
 
So I woke up, My dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
 
The boy stood on the burning deck
And wished he'd ne'er been born
His mother said "You wouldn't have been
If the Durex hadn't torn"
 
But it's fun trying to find new ones!
 
A man walks into a butchers shop. "I'd like a barn owl please"

"A barn owl?" questions the butcher, "You can't buy barn owls, especially not to eat! It's illegal to buy birds of prey to eat!"

"Oh dear" answers the man, "I didn't realise that, I ate one last week that I shot by mistake and it was rather tasty"

"Well, you're probably better off just buying some pheasant or grouse, as I can sell you that" says the butcher, "by the way, what did the barn owl taste like?"

"Well" said the man, "sort of a cross between golden eagle and swan"
 
A Guy with a 25-inch Willy went to a Doctor and said,
"I can't live with this Big Willy anymore..! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the Witch Doctor, down in the Bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the Bayou and saw the Witch Doctor.
The Witch Doctor said, "Go into the Swamp and find a Female Frog.
"Ask her to Marry You. She'll say "NO", and you'll lose 5 inches off your Member immediately".
So, he went to the Swamp and found the Female Frog and asked her, "Will you marry me"..??? "NO", she said.
And right enough, he lost 5 inches off his Member.
The Guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is still just a little too much.
So he asked the Frog again, "Will You Marry Me"..??? The Frog said,
"NO". And the Guy lost another 5 inches.
He thought, Good, 15 inches is great, but 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked her again, "Will You Marry Me"..???
And the Frog said,

"How many times do I have to tell you.. NO..! NO..! NO...!"
 
EB62D9B2-A97C-4B09-BB7D-614B2781F044.jpeg
 
Zero squared = stock...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top