The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful --
the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
"For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."

“Oh!”, she said, "No point asking about the beard then..........
 
‘Lockdown Lingo’ - are you fully conversant with the new terminology?

Coronacoaster.
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.

Quarantinis.
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”.

Coronials.
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C”.

Furlough Merlot.
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.

Coronadose.
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a “panicdemic”.

Getting on your Wicks.
Vexing noise levels from neighbours doing their daily workout with Joe Wicks.

Claphazard.
Someone so enthusiastic about saluting our care workers that they forget all social distancing guidelines, start hugging their neighbours and high-fiving passing pedestrians.

The elephant in the Zoom.
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

Doughverkill.
One’s social media feed being dominated by smug photos of home-made sourdough or banana bread. If making sourdough is so great, how come you'd never done it before March?

Covidiot.
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown” or even a “Wuhan-ker”.

Space invader.
Someone who routinely comes closer to you than the recommended two metres and who you’d like to zap like in an arcade game.

Goutbreak.
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.

Caught between a shop and a hoard place.
The dilemma of needing to purchase basics but not wanting to be accused of stockpiling. I'm not stockpiling, I usually buy this many tins of beans.

Antisocial distancing.
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

Quaranteam.
The people and/or pets you’re in lockdown with are your “quaranteam”. This era’s equivalent of #squadgoals.

Coughin’ dodger.
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.

Tandemic.
A sun-kissed glow acquired from sitting in one’s garden or (gasp!) flouting the rules on park sunbathing.

Co-runner virus.
An infection potentially spread by selfish fitness fanatics taking up an entire path by jogging two abreast.

Covid-10.
The 10lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve”.
 
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lololol love that.
 
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow
 
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