The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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I was going to get a BMW and rang my dad who knows a bit about cars.

He said, ‘You can’t get a German car after what your grandfather went through in the war.’

Now I didn’t know about this, but apparently between 1939 and 1945 my grandad had a couple of very unreliable German cars.
 
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
 
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 
My youngest came home from school yesterday with this gem, she is only 9.

"I was standing waiting to use the cash machine today and I waiting for an older lady to finish."

"She was struggling to use the machine and asked me could I help check her balance"

"So I pushed her over!":LOL:
 
I though it clipped on to a stoma...
 
Apparently spotted on Twitter:


You don’t know what fun is until you’ve witnessed a drunk on the Edinburgh to Glasgow train screaming “A f*****g hate hedgehogs, come at me ya jabby wee c..t” while angrily circling a hairbrush that’s been dropped on the floor...
 
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