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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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scottishguy
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ancient_mariner
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Would his name be Justin?
mikew
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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion,
so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion,
so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
mikew
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Australian Love Poem
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..
[ Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it.. !! ]
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..
[ Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it.. !! ]
ancient_mariner
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Nicely punned sir.
Bobsyeruncle
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Did anyone else read that in an Australian accent?
ancient_mariner
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ancient_mariner
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Just you then cobbaDid anyone else read that in an Australian accent?
I see Toni's finally caught up He's making a rod for his own back I feel
Yes Reely
OK I'm done its been a long day
ancient_mariner
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Yep, I'm hooked now.
OP
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ancient_mariner
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That was a Barbed comment if ever there as one!
You seem to have lured me in.
OP
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Spinner'nother one why don't you?
ancient_mariner
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I've got to leave this swim & ledger somewhere else for now. 
OP
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OK Float offI've got to leave this swim & ledger somewhere else for now.
TBH I'm drawing a line under it tonight as well
Bobsyeruncle
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Will it mackerel difference to your life?I've got to leave this swim & ledger somewhere else for now.
Bobsyeruncle
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You did start it mind....and we fell for it hook, line and sinker. Yep, we took the bait.
Last edited:
scottishguy
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Brendan Mulachy
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the black fox
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Well Tickle me with a feather
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mikew
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THE OLDER WOMAN
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
mikew
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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite -
> >All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself
> >next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home
> >safely.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
> >white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
> > I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Two junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of
> cocaine.
> > *Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!*
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took
> >a Middle aged couple from Weymouth *
*A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled
> > LSD?'
*Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!*
An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife
> >leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do
> >you think I should do*
> > *He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid*
>
> >All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself
> >next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home
> >safely.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
> >white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
> > I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Two junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of
> cocaine.
> > *Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!*
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took
> >a Middle aged couple from Weymouth *
*A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled
> > LSD?'
*Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!*
An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife
> >leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do
> >you think I should do*
> > *He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid*
>
