The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

cosmicma said:
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Tell them you're older than the Web, older than Apple, older than email, older than the integrated circuit...
Wait for the questions about dinosaurs. :p
 
A man walks into a bar. He gets very drunk and asks the bartender where the restroom is. The bartender explains it's the third door to the right, but the man goes into the third door to the left. He finds a large golden toilet. The man takes a big poop in it and leaves. He continues to return to drink there every week, and every time he goes to poop in that golden toilet. One day he finds the golden toilet is gone, so he asks the bartender about it. The bartender exclaims, "So you're the one who's been pooping in my tuba!"
 
An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news. The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc." The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's." The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."
 
The Edinburgh Fringe 'best joke' winners:

2018 : Working at the jobcentre has to be a tense job, knowing that if you get fired you still have to come in the next day – Adam Rowe

2017 : I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change – Ken Cheng

2016 : My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart – Masai Graham

2015 : I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free – Darren Walsh

2014 : I've decided to sell my hoover – well, it was just collecting dust – Tim Vine

2013 : I heard a rumour that Cadbury us bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa – Rob Auton


2012 : You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks – Stewart Francis

2011 : I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves – Nick Helm

2010 : I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again – Tim Vine

2009 : Hedgehogs – why can't they just share the hedge? – Dan Antolpolski
 
An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star quarterback sees the commotion and asks, "What's happening? Can I help?" The fire chief says, "There's a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?" The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, "Go ahead, I'm ready!" He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, "TOUCHDOWN!"
 
A drunk appears in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started!"
 
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