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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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OP
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- The real Chris
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Bobsyeruncle
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Mickg041970
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Just read a sign on a Transit van saying "No lottery tickets kept in here overnight."
Sleepydawg
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Tough Cowboy
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to he Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"
St. Peter was very impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago!" answered the Cowboy!!
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to he Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"
St. Peter was very impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago!" answered the Cowboy!!
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Mag1cp2x
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That makes it three years running they've had a wasted journey !
OP
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One day they'll get it right ...
But then again it all gender fluid these days, so who knows?
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ancient_mariner
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kennethwfd
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A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome... So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser... " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Good luck on this trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the f*** did your hair like that ?"
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome... So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser... " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Good luck on this trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the f*** did your hair like that ?"
