The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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In that vein..
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The England team visited an orphanage in Russia today. "It's so heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope or prospects" said Vladimir, age 6.
 
Word of warning in this hot weather make sure you look after Bees.........

ecause if they ecome extinct we will all e in terrile troule
 
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"
 
Gareth Southgate and Alex McLeish walk into a brothel
Gareth Southgate asks "how much for a w***"
A woman replies "£20"
Alex McLeish asks "How much if your not a w***
 
n0chex said:
Gareth Southgate and Alex McLeish walk into a brothel
Gareth Southgate asks "how much for a w***"
A woman replies "£20"
Alex McLeish asks "How much if you're not a w***
Click to expand...
Gareth says "Alex you owe her £20"
 
Server Hamster said:
The thieves dug a tunnel to gain access to the building.

Police are looking into it...
Click to expand...

Hmm. I was a police officer in the UK back in the late 70s, and we got a report of a large hole next to the road in one of the residential areas we covered. I was sent to 'investigate' and wrote it off in the action column of the report book as 'Police are looking into it'. My sergeant wasn't very happy...
 
Mrs nagging me again this morning. "Your alarm's going off are you going to get up?"
"Nah, f*** it, ten minutes more" I said.
"Isnt that a bit silly? Your alarm is set for a reason" she whined.
"Okay! Im getting up now!"
"Too late" she said, "your car's just been stolen"
 
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Bedroom golf... Rules of the game.


1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - Men - one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine..

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

16. Should the course be closed for repairs and maintenance (normally once a month) The player can take the time and do some maintenance on his club by cleaning the shaft.
 
My girlfriend's job is difficult to describe... She sells sea shells on the sea shore.
 
Heard a tale of some sea birds getting drunk on the spilled Whisky when "Whisky Galore" was being filmed. Apparently, no Tern was left unstoned...
 
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