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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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the black fox
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I dare not re post this on the local Facebook page .probably get lynched
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The thieves dug a tunnel to gain access to the building.
Police are looking into it...
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Hang on a minute, aren't hamsters meant to be good at tunnelling... and @Server Hamster seems to know rather a lot about the incident, doesn't she?
Box Brownie
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OP
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- The real Chris
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kennethwfd
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Thieves broke in to the Police Station and stole a number of criminal records.
Amongst these were "You Need Hands" by Max Bygraves, "Tears" by Ken Dodd and "Agadoo" by Black Lace.
With thanks to The Two Ronnies circa 1975.
I thought the original criminal record was The Laughing Policeman
kennethwfd
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A delivery today reminded me of this one
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this your captain speaking. We have had a successful takeoff and are now cruising at an altitude of....AARG! OMG!....
Then complete silence for several minutes until..
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. One of the stewardesses has just spilt coffee all over me. Hence the silence. You should see what a mess this has made to the frount of my trousers"
Reply from the passenger cabin
"You should see what a mess this has made to the rear of mine!"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this your captain speaking. We have had a successful takeoff and are now cruising at an altitude of....AARG! OMG!....
Then complete silence for several minutes until..
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. One of the stewardesses has just spilt coffee all over me. Hence the silence. You should see what a mess this has made to the frount of my trousers"
Reply from the passenger cabin
"You should see what a mess this has made to the rear of mine!"
kennethwfd
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There was a young man from New Brighton
Who said to his girl "You're a tight 'un"
She said "Bless my soul
You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right 'un"
Graham W
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Kodiak Qc
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•
Abraham Lincoln was a quite tall and clever politician that was … say
not too handsome.
As he was in congress, promoting a law he would like to see accepted,
a member of the opposition stood up and yelled:
Abraham Lincoln was a quite tall and clever politician that was … say
not too handsome.
As he was in congress, promoting a law he would like to see accepted,
a member of the opposition stood up and yelled:
"Now, Mr Lincoln, in all this argumentation we really can see your
hypocrisy… your two faces!"
To what Lincoln answered:hypocrisy… your two faces!"
"Mr. President, may I ask the honourable member of the opposition
if I had two faces as he suggests, why would I have chosen this one?
if I had two faces as he suggests, why would I have chosen this one?
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n0chex
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Gemma Collins SEX TAPES leaked. https://www.dropbox.com/s/rsjhglywttuiy6u/.facebook_1530092532246.jpg?dl=0
camerassassin
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On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."
