The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

[Cobra]

Johnny is playing in his grandparent's garden, turns over a stone finds a worm and pulls it out of its hole
Grandpa bets him £2 that he can't put it back
Johnny goes to the bathroom for a can of hair lacquer
Half a hour later, Grandpa admits he has won the bet and gives him £2...and £10 from Grandma

The old ones are the best ( or so they say )

 

[DorsetDude]

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Chief saluted smartly and replied, 'Falkland Islands Sir!'

 

[DorsetDude]

Rare shot of the TP Mods on their safari to Africa last year:

 

[Cobra]

Rare shot of the TP Mods on their safari to Africa last year:

Just lion around as usual

 

[Cobra]

 

[Graham]

The old ones are the best ( or so they say )

The jokes or the old people [emoji23] [emoji23] [emoji23] [emoji23]

 

[Cobra]

The jokes or the old people

As Michael Miles would say Take your pick
(now there's a blast from the past )

 

[DorsetDude]

As Miles would say

From Dublin? He was 150 you know.

 

[Steep]

 

[Cobra]

 

[DorsetDude]

My wife's kicked me out of the house because of my poor Arnold Schwarzennegger impressions.
But don't worry "I will return"

 

[DorsetDude]

Two latvian look at clouds.
One see potato.
Other see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.

 

[Cobra]

Two latvian look at clouds.
One see potato.
Other see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.

Nope don't get it

 

[Big Andy]

 

[Box Brownie]

Sounds like the wry humour of a Gulag joke.

 

[n0chex]

Just got some new aftershave thats smells of breadcrumbs, the birds love it

 

[Gremlin]

 

[KMPhoto]

Nope don't get it

What is a Latvian joke? https://m.ranker.com/list/latvian-jokes/jack-napier

Goes to show that jokes are culturally conditioned.

 

[Mag1cp2x]

View attachment 128098

First song in 'My fair lady'

 

[Mag1cp2x]

As Michael Miles would say Take your pick
(now there's a blast from the past )

Bring back the 'Yes No Interlude' then 'Double your money' and 'The Army Game' - Friday night culture

 

[kennethwfd]

As Michael Miles would say Take your pick
(now there's a blast from the past )

you mean after showing him, two shovels?

 

[Farmerjim]

 

[KMPhoto]

 

[KMPhoto]

 

[Gremlin]

 

[Cobra]

Goes to show that jokes are culturally conditioned.

Thats a given. Some jokes about culture transpose well others just aren't funny ....
I'll leave you to figure out what category that one falls into

 

[Mountkeen]

Picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?

I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

 

[Cobra]

 

[KMPhoto]

 

[Gremlin]

 

[Gremlin]

Ok been a bit lax so another for you @kendo1

 

[kendo1]

 

[Cobra]

 

[Cobra]

Gender neutral? I don't think so ...
Case in point, this is one only the fella's will understand ...

 

[Tringa]

Does the closing of its shops by the House of Fraser mean we all doomed?

Dave

 

[Cobra]

Does the closing of its shops by the House of Fraser mean we all doomed?

Dave

 

[Mr Badger]

Does the closing of its shops by the House of Fraser mean we all doomed?

Dave

Of course, I never doubted it for a minute!

 

[Gremlin]

 

[gm43uk]

I got really sick and tired of the missus constantly complaining that I had no sense of direction. I decided I'd had enough so I packed my bags and right.

 

[Steep]